Day 3

When we feel grateful, we feel full-full of love, full of inspiration, full of ideas, and full of creative spirit !

Today I am so grateful for friends that inspire me!

Friends that inspire me to:

Be creative,

Be a mother and wife full of love and compassion,

Be accountable,

Be content exactly where I am in life.

Day 2

Early Bedtimes !

It is only 8:30 and I'm going to BED !

I'm thankful for a baby that sleeps so well that I'm able to enjoy a long 12 hour stretch too !

Gratitute (day 1) Nov 9th

It's never too late to start..... right?

Gratitude (Day 1) November 9th

Elizabeth Mitchell's New CD

Sunny Day




Her music is so lovely, it really helps me relax and enjoy the simple joys of my life in the morning. I"m thankful and grateful for her music.

Wishing you beauty and wonder in the simple and ordinary tasks of your day, today! (SOULEMAMA)

Baby book:

This is random, but i've been slowly working on pieces for miss Amalie's baby book and I came across these pictures, this was such a fun day at the park with her about a month ago. Just made my night seeing it again, can't wait to look back at these 5, months from now and 5 years from now. My baby is growing up so fast !

A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

As a commitment to myself I'm going to start entering my journal entries on my blog again. I'm all about community these days and finding what it means to me and the role it has on my family. The next few months of posts will be about just that.

Motherhood

Just another small paragraph that touched me deeply this week. Looking forward to entering my journal entries in here once this term is over.

There has never been a ruder awakening in my life about my desperate shortcomings other than motherhood. The huge responsibility of nurturing another life gets me thinking of all the ways I don’t measure up to whatever ideal it is I picture in my head. It’s like a magnifying glass over the things I’m incompetent in: cooking, keeping house, self-care, and more. But it is precisely because of this that motherhood offers us a way to grow into the person we truly are. We learn to be painfully honest of our weaknesses while we gratefully embrace our strengths. We daily stand on grace and nothing else if only to keep going in this rigorous task we have been given. The gift of authenticity. No more pretending to be more than who we are.

Domesticity

" We can thank the women before us who fought to ensure that domesticity was a choice and not something required of all women. Thanks be to them that these expectations are no longer required of us but are now an option among many that we may choose if we so wish. Free from the burden of expectations, we can now look to domestic arts and skills to create and express ourselves in our homes, giving full respect to the art and skill they encompass."

-Amanda Soule

I will write soon how this wonderful quote has had a large impact on my life this week, but until then I'll just leave you with this quote.

18: the lucky number

I met with my adviser on Tuesday, to make sure I was on track to walk in graduation on August 14th ! I am only 18 credits away from GRADUATION. I will still have my senior capstone to finish up in the Fall, but I can still walk in summer :) Hip Hip Hurray. Amalie has big a HUGE motivation in getting done. I can't wait to be done and have more time to hang with my little lady.

Also I have lost 18 lbs on my "hot mama diet" :) about 15 lbs more to go to get back to the 130 lbs I was when I got pregnant. I haven't been too hardcore about my diet, but trying to eat well and exercise when I can, I continue to loose a pound or two a week, hopefully I'll be back to my normal self early summer.

18 is MY number this week !

!

End of the term

It has been a little over three months since Amalie was born. I have never been so challenged and stretched in my entire life ! I am so thankful for this though, I have grown up a lot and continue to grow into this new roll, a mother. Yesterday Chad and I went on our weekly Saturday walk as a family. (It seems like this is our only time together throughout the week.) It is truly cherished though ! I can't imagine any other thing that brings me more joy than being with my husband and my daughter. When we got married we felt like we were a "family" but I don't think anyone can describe fully how your heart changes when a child is added into the mix.

I have really been struggling with being away from Amalie so much when I have to go to work. I work 5 nights a week so I only get to put her to sleep 2 nights :( When I am home I have housework ( which sadly comes at least priority) and homework and making dinner and juggling all the other parts of life. I try to spend as much time as possible with Amalie, but I feel so sad sometimes at the end of the day I feel like I haven't been able to have that undivided attention and time with her. She is quite social and doesn't mind being watched and held by anyone, but deep down in my heart I get so sad sometimes that she doesn't get the majority of her day with me her mama !

I never pictured myself as a stay at home mom, and not to say that I want to do that, especially once my kiddos get into grade school, but I can tell you that I am going to work so hard in getting a work from home or great part time job once I graduate. I commend those who work full time and have their kids in daycare during the day but for me I just don't think I could do it ! I never understood people who wanted to stay home and not work, but now I understand. I think with so many things we have these ideas of how we want things or how we think we will do things, but I am learning every week that really until you go through it you have no idea what you want or what you will do. I try to be flexible and go with "what is best right now." approach. For all plans change, and If I never want to change my plans around I would end up just really discouraged.

So what will next term hold? Gosh I have no idea ! But I'm sure excited to find out.
Life is such a crazy wonderful journey !

And having a kid makes it SO much fun !

Thank you for my husband and my little Amalie for keeping me sane this term, it has been rough !

I-Phones, why I love them

For awhile now I have wanted an i-phone, but their wasn't much of a need for one, so we never decided to add the extra expense to our budget. Their are so many reasons why I am so glad we canceled cable, and a few other expenses to get these. But the main reason i love them is we are able to take and send video easily to each other. Going back to work has been good, but I miss my little Amalie SO much ! Especially those 8 hour shifts are killer. ONce I come home she is fast asleep and I wont get to hold and kiss on her until around 7 am when she wakes up for a bottle. Chad is great about sending me video clips so I can watch on my break. This one is my all time favorite though, she is such a talker these days !

The sleep story

Well tonight is Amalie's first night in her own room. I am actually kind of sad about it, yet happy at the same time. It has been about a month now since she has been sleeping through the night. She usually goes to sleep between 10:30- midnight will sleep until 7 or 7:30 then take a bottle then back to bed until around 10:30 in the morning. I had loved having her in her bassinet right next to my side of the bed when I was up every 2 hours nursing her, but once we made the switch to formula after the" milk saga" she wasn't waking up more than twice a night, and then went to just once a night, she is outgrowing her current bed and we decided it was a good time now to make the transition before she gets too use to sleeping next to us. It took her a bit longer to settle tonight Chad said "I was at work" but she has been in her crib and doing well.... she is moving a bit more than usual but she is probably just getting use to all the space. I can't help but watch her on the monitor, I have a feeling I might not get much sleep tonight, I've been so worried I might not hear her when she wakes up for her bottle. I'm sure I will, but I'm just worrying. My little one looks so grown up these days I can't believe she will be 12 weeks on sunday ! Where did the time go? Chad and I love her more than we could have ever thought, she brings our family so much joy and she has blessed us so much. When either of us has had a hard day we love to just cuddle with her, makes life stand still, worries of the world fade and we feel at peace. Having a child is so amazing ! I love this little chic so much ! Praying the rest of the "first night" goes well.

Amalie's 1st Boyfriend

This was probably one of the cutest things ever ! We went to visit some friends and their adorable son Malakai. He is almost 8 months so quite a bit more aware of his surroundings than Amalie. But it was SO cute seeing them staring at each other and when Amalie reached out her hand Malakai held on to it ! So so so cute. I can't wait for Amalie to have more baby friends.

Life as of now

I can't believe Amalie is 9 weeks old ! She is getting so big, every morning I wake up and feel as if she has grown so much overnight. Everyday she is discovering something new, making new sounds, smiling a ton, and bringing so much joy to our little family. Life is truly crazy around our house but I wouldn't have it any other way. Being a wife, a mother, a student and an employee takes a toll on me from time to time but I try to live day by day and be thankful for this time in my life.

I day dream frequently about a year from now... two years from now,.... a time where Chad and I will hopefully have full time jobs with weekends off, a house of our very own ( I don't care how small it might be or how run down) something to call our own! I can't wait to fill it with love and energy and watch our little girl grow up ! I can't wait to paint the walls (without having to paint them white again) I can't wait to have a sandbox in the backyard, to have a garden to plant vegetables, flower boxes outside the windows, an art room to encourage creativity and spend countless hours crafting my heart out, a kitchen to cook together, a dining room to sit around the table and share a meal with my family and friends, a fireplace to cuddle up next to in the winter... just thinking about the day when we get to look for our "First House" seriously warms my heart.

To make this possible Chad and I are trying to be really frugal with our money and save save save so we will be able to get to where we want to be. WE want to be debt free when we go out looking for a house and have a decent amount saved for a down payment. We will have student loans probably for as long as we live but besides those and paying off our hospital bill (giving birth is expensive !) we don't want to have payments each month hindering us from buying a house. Once our tax return comes our way we will have no outstanding debt ! I coupon religiously, we share one car, and do what we can to cut costs, but still our situation right now (being in school and only working part time) we spend all our money each month on rent and utilities about 1,350 ! So Alas we have made the decision to not renew our lease in May and make the move to house with the inlaws in their spare room. We understand it's not the most ideal situation..... it's not going to be overly comfortable (I have serious space issues) and it may feel like a step back instead of a step forward. We are both ready to make the sacrifice for more long term goals. A HOUSE! We hope to stay there until Chad graduates( a little under a year) hopefully we last that long, we will see how everything goes.... In this time we are going to continue to save all we make in hopes of getting a house.......

Amalie's stats from her 2 month check up today

Weight: 11lbs 12 oz 74 percentile
Height: 24 inches 94 percentile
Head: 15 1/2 inches 64 percentile

she did really good with all her shots, 3 pokes and an oral vaccine ! A lot of crying at first but I had brought a bottle so we fed her and she calmed right down, and has been sleeping all day long ! hoping she doesn't wake up middle of the night and ready to play.... fingers crossed for a repeat from last night. She slept 10pm-6:30 am then feeding and slept until 8:30 !

Also Chad and I are on weight watchers, it has been really great. I have never needed to diet before so this is kind of new but I have 28lbs to loose to get back to my pre pregnancy weight. ( Yes I gained a TON!) so dieting is a must ! I have lost 8 lbs and so has Chad. I worked out for the first time since Amalie was born and no words can explain how out of shape I am.... only huffs and puffs.

Well Amalie is starting to stir... we might not be so lucky with a good nights rest tonight.

The cutest smile ever !

::Update::

Well, where to start ?

Last Wednesday when I was in Eugene Amalie started acting really different, and not "herself." I know newborns change all the time but this screaming business was so not like her. Up until that day she would cry when she was hungry and when we would put her in her bassinet for bed and that was about it. But that day... that day.... the screams were endless and so loud ! Screams, like she was being really hurt. It was horrible to listen to, even worse to see the look in her eye and the worst was hours being spent walking back and forth in our apartment listening to music and nothing would seem to help her until she would finally fall asleep only to wake 10 min later ready for another feeding. We heard it all, it's just a phase, maybe it's colic (I knew it wasn't) it will pass. But that mother part of me knew something was up. Yesterday I hit breaking point. I had no sleep for days, and was wearing thin. I had fallen over and hit my head on the side of the fireplace two days ago and Chad was starting to worry. Yesterday was Chad's long day class and work from 8am-8pm and I had no idea how I could make it that long. Chad shipped me over to his parents house so his mom could watch her for a bit while I snoozed. (Thank you Grandma kelli) I had only one bottle pumped so I didn't get too much sleep but atleast having my hands free, made me feel a lot less stressed. I was upstairs sleeping(well trying to) over the loud screams and wails of Amalie. I knew nursing her made her stop so I was keep wanting to run down their to offer up my boob, but everyone was keep telling me, she just ate she needs to learn to go longer. Helpless, I would sulk back upstiars to try to catch a little more rest, which was hard since my boobs were getting engorged at this point and I wasn't able to sleep on my stomach anymore.

I picked up Chad after work and back to the apartment we went, from then until about 2 this afternoon was a cycle of, feed, content for 20 min or so, screaming, more screaming, fall asleep, 10 min later wake up to feed. ( I generally go 2 hours between feedings) during the day.

Through out all this we wanted to just put her down and let her "cry it out" which we will end up doing, but still I didn't think it was just her crying to cry.

Chad got fed up and called the Dr office, we knew nothing was "medically" wrong with her but we needed some professional advice. At her 2 week apt she weighted 9lb 4 oz today 5.5 weeks later she was only 10 lb. He weight had leveled off and not gaining on the curve she was on earlier. During the apt she started to wail for the Dr. I had brought a bottle with me and Dr. Meyer had me give it to her so she would calm for a bit, she sucked it down so fast (even though I had just fed her before leaving the house) and Dr. Meyer said I think we have a case of hungry baby syndrome. I felt horrible, have I been starving my child ! But I knew I was doing everything I thought was right.

About when she started these spells is when a growth spurt started she thinks and my milk supply wasn't catching up to her needs, also she takes 45 min - hour to nurse and by the time she unlatches half of that may already be digested. She sent us home with formula and had us mix 3 oz of my milk with 3 oz of formula and offer that to her.

She drank it ALL
And fell asleep within 2 min not 2 hours
And has been asleep on her own for 3 hours now !!
I just had a hungry baby !

Also she has not been taking naps and won't fall asleep easily at night, we have been wanting to do the cry it out method but wasn't sure if it was too early. Dr. Meyer said at this point we need to do whats best for Mama, since that will be best for Baby. So once her tummy gets full we will start putting her down to cry it out, praying we get this no sleep/crying phase to pass soon !

The sleepy/satisfied baby tonight makes my whole night ! I was feeling so helpless....

Thank you God and Dr. Meyer
Little Amalie I love you we had no idea you were just hungry :(

A reminder to myself

These pictures are a reminder to myself that
1. My child is happy
2.My child is capable of sleeping

If you were in our apartment tonight, I don't think either of the above statements would have crossed your minds. Amalie seriously had a full blown meltdown ! Not sure what her deal was, it started out of nowhere. We have had trouble with her not taking naps so I think she might have just been over tired. Even though she slept well last night and took one nap on my chest today, maybe days of sleeplessness are catching up with her ? I hope we have our happy baby back tomorrow though, all this screaming is tough !

Tonight I had a quiz due by 11:59 pm. I had planned on taking it earlier when Chad's mom was over watching Amalie but Amalie decided she wanted to eat three times in 3 hours so I was only really able to work on my homework for about 45 min. Leaving my quiz until tonight. At around 9 I sat down in the other room to get started, it's timed and I had 90 min to take it. Right when I got started Amalie started her fit, Chad tried everything to soothe her but the only thing that ended up working was for me to nurse her, then have her on my chest. I think Chad felt bad he wasn't able to help her, and that I wasn't able to focus on my exam, but it all worked out. I had my laptop set up on one side of me to take the quiz, the other hand with a binkie on it just in case the wailing started up again flipping through pages looking for the answers and rocking to keep the baby calm.... multi tasking to the MAX ! Not the most ideal situation, and I was quite a site to see but I ended up with 29/30 on the quiz and a quiet sleepy baby who is now sleeping away on Daddy's chest, we are not brave enough to try to set her in her bassinet, enjoying the quiet......

I Try I really do !

Ah the saga of getting Amalie to take naps continues...... Yesterday was awesome she slept all day long ! Today she has been awake all day long ! I have paced the house bouncing her in the dark until I was pretty sure I had lost at least 500 calories, put her in the swing, the bouncer, laid her on my bed, the bassinet, rocked her, swayed, and repeat. At what point it's been about 2 hours and alas she is hungry again, so the cycle starts over after an hour long nursing session (I'll post about my love/hate relationship with nursing later and the inevitable formula that will be coming soon) at what point, I threw in the towel. I feel horrible sometimes that she can go so long without taking a nap, but I really have tried everything ! She doesn't get fussy or irritable, just looks hyper and wants to play. So today I decided to stop trying and gave in and put her in her crib with some toys to keep her occupied so I could get some homework done, oh and PEE ! I think my full bladder kept me dancing for a while longer than usual :) Now it's been 1 hour of silence in the dark, went in to check on her and not a sleepy eye in sight.... so the lights went on, gave her a kiss, she gave me the cutest smile back and I snapped a picture of her playing.

Fingers crossed this could mean a good night rest for Chad and I ? Chad's free day (no work or school) tomorrow so if she is hyper thankfully he'll be able to stay up with her. He's the most wonderful husband in the whole world, If I haven't mentioned that yet ! Such a huge help all the time, we miss him so much when he's gone !

Happy Baby

Amalie is going to be 1 month old tomorrow ! I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. She is so wonderful in every way. Chad and I are truly blessed to have such a wonderful daughter, we can't wait to see all the changes she will go through this first year.

School starts for me on Monday, so praying that transition goes alright. They are all online again this quarter but we are still to attain any kind of routine with this little one and running off of very little sleep each day. She loves to stay up all night long ! Literally she can be awake and alert for 10 hour chucks of time. We have been working on some ways to get her nights and days switched around in hopes of getting us some more sleep for when school and work start up again for both of us.

Right now we are just taking one day at a time, waking up every morning saying I wonder what the day will bring today. Being a new parent is hard work but so rewarding.